Day 31

365 Days of My

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‘ Today was a day for pillow forts and cuddles…’

My house is a disaster and for most this would stress them out completely. There is laundry upstairs ready to be hand washed, there are a days worth of dishes stacked up in the kitchen. There are piles of blankets and books in the middle of our family room. There are toy swords leaning against stacks of books that have been toppled over; and all of the pillows have been taken off the couch. So much CHAOS!!

Here’s what I have learned though, it doesn’t matter.

The garbage is out, we have food, nothing is rotting or stinking, I know where the pets are… and we have at least one pair of underpants each.  My daughter has been under the weather this past week and honestly I want to just cuddle and spend time with her. She is miserable and needs her mom more than a clean house. Really if someone comes over and turns their nose up at the state of this place… they will be quickly escorted back to the door and shown the way out.

A child will always remember the times you spent with them and the memories made. They are not going to remember if you have a show home or a messy home.

365 Days of Truth, Confessions of a Mad Woman

Okay so I have been silly and serious… and now perhaps it is time for a little saucy.

Every time I have ever had a spontaneous sexual encounter in a park or field…  I’ve been caught by a stranger.

*grins*

365 Days of Healthy Living

Well this Days journal is late as I have spent the night at the hospital. I am infected , my ears, throat and sinuses and although it’s been a rough night… My sitter and I had a great laugh about being ‘Infected’ and auditioning for The Walking Dead.

But on a serious note, I need to start taking better care of myself. Sleep properly, less stress, good for my body foods… and I think this will start now. I need sleep… Good Morning everone!!

I need the funny today!!

Zombie humor: Duh, they always try to trip you up!

Until … Later today!!

Day 30

365 Days of My

I was going to talk about stress and stress management tricks for a parent. But, then this happened…

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‘ Well in this in this house, They say… A geek mothers heart swelled three sizes this day.’

We have been gifted by the fates a Ps3 and Little Miss had been nagging at me all day to set it up. When I finally set it up and her Uncle P. was here. It was time to play, LEGO Marvel Super Heroes. Uncle P. was Ironman, and Little Miss chose her favourite, The Hulk. The game was on… She was a natural and listened as her Uncle P. and I gave her instructions.  My ‘Mommy Pride’ swelled and tears glistened in my eyes, as I watched her help defeat the boss at the end of the level.

Let me explain, I am a geek mom. I love to play video games, always have always will. Since becoming a single parent though, aside from Candy Crush Saga… there has been no gaming for me. By the time my daughter goes to bed and actually falls asleep; I do some clean up, write my 365, and then I am done in. Now though, my daughter and I can play a bit a few times a week. Selfish? Maybe or maybe it’s something better…

Level Complete: Achievement Unlocked
New Bonding Experience with Little Miss

I do believe that video games are alright for children, even young ones. It helps with hand-eye coordination, shape and pattern recognition, direction and works as a great team work (ie. co-operation, sharing)  experience.  There are plenty of age appropriate games on the market today, it is the parents choice as to what is appropriate for their own child.

For example: My daughter loves the LEGO movies, so I thought I would start there for video games. Yes, there is LEGO violence and little LEGO monsters get their ‘block butts kicked’. But she knows it is not good to hurt others physically in real life, she knows it hurts and it’s just not nice. So I really  don’t worry to much about that and concentrate on having fun.

365 Days of Truth, Confessions of a Mad Woman.

Depending on the day it can take me anywhere from 15 minutes to over an hour to choose an outfit to wear outside the house. Even if it is just to pick up my daughter from school. Even on a good day this adventure causes tears, frustration and body issues.

I have no mirrors that show my lower half in my home. Up until two years ago, the only mirror I had was one that showed my head and shoulders. It has been  only just in the past few months that I have been able to look at my tummy and not feel loathing. Since beginning to lose weight, I see change and not stagnation, much easier to cope with.

When I put on make up I usually end up washing it all off, because I feel I’ve put to much on. At least three times…   Most times ‘wearing makeup’ for me is  clear mascara, a dusting of skin tone or light gold eyeshadow and lip gloss. I also have waist length hair, which I always keep it tightly pulled back. My daughter wants me to dye it like Rainbow Dash from My Little Pony…. I accept the challenge. Mostly because it will shake up my perceptions of myself. It will draw attention and I need to accept that getting attention is actually okay.

It’s time to come out from the shadows and learn to live in the light.

365 Days of Healthy Living

Jacqueline’s Top Five Stress Relieving Tips

  1. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If something is overwhelming you, reach out and ask someone for help. This is great advice not only for emotional tasks, but physical ones as well.
  2. Make freezer meals for the bad days, because sometimes on bad days, even making dinner is a monumental feat.
  3. Turn up the music and do something physical. Personally, I clean or re-organize the furniture in my house. It occupies my thoughts and time. After less then an hour I find my stress has lessened and I feel in control again.
  4. Take at least 10 minutes each day to yourself. Focus, center, meditate, breathe, fold laundry, chat with a friend, hide in the bathroom… However you have to do it. Take 10 minutes for you.
  5. Try and remember it is not the end of the world…

If all else fails, make these…

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Found at:  http://thepaleobelle.wordpress.com/paleo-recipes/

Now time for a healthy laugh before bed…

Until Tomorrow…

Day 29

365 Days of My

Well Little Miss stayed home today, her tonsils are still swollen but her fever broke in the night.  I’m keeping her home tomorrow as well.. there’s more Ninjago to watch and popsicles to eat!

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Snuggled under her new found blankie watching Ninjago. Normally she would be high kicking along side the television. This is how I know the Missus is sick.

365 Days of Truth, Confessions of a Mad Woman

When I was fourteen I started grade nine. I was hoping for a fresh start, something new and exciting from the Hel of primary school. I should have known better, it took one day for all the same bullpoop to start again. I was constantly bullied about my clothing, my lazy eye, being in the learning disability Unit, being plump… I remember by my second week at high school I wanted to dropout.

Instead… I fell in with the wrong crowd. River Phoenix posters were replaced with Sid Vicious. I began to withdraw and become very angry. My clothing went to dark colours and thrown together with little care. I stopped showering and caring for my body. I began smoking cigarettes. I began smoking pot. I took acid. I got in fights…

And after only three weeks in High school, I began cutting.

When I cut myself, I felt my stress and sadness bleed out.  In the beginning it was just a few nicks here and there. By the end, I was cutting from my knuckles to my shoulder blades.  Lines, circles, band names, you name it and I cut it into my skin.

I really can not tell you why I started. I had never seen anyone else do it, I hadn’t seen it on television. It really was one day my razor split and I pulled out a blade. I looked at it and I had an urge to cut. So I did. My cutting lasted for a few months, then I just stopped as suddenly as I started.  I cut myself many time after this first episode, but I can thankfully say I have been cut free now for 15 years.

Information on Cutting can be found at:
http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/mental_health/cutting.html
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm
http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/cutting-self-harm-signs-treatment
http://www.cmha.ca/mental_health/youth-and-self-injury/#.UunMRjeUT1A
‘One study of Canadian youth found that almost 2 out of every 10 youth aged 14-21 had hurt themselves on purpose at one time or another. Self-injury behaviours usually start between 13 and 15 years of age, and happen most often in teenagers and young adults. Self-harm behaviours are twice as common in girls and young women, compared to males.’
Found on the CHEO – Self Harm website: http://www.cheo.on.ca/en/self-harm

365 Days of Healthy Living

Yummy Noodle Alternatives: Taking all grains out of your life can be hard especially if your of a lower income bracket like myself. Removing gluten and grains removes pasta and rice, which are both cheap quick meals.  Although as I found in my quest to yet again enjoy spaghetti there are plenty of noodle replacement ideas.

I have tried many vegetable replacements. The ones my daughter has been most receptive to is: Spaghetti Squash and zucchini.  Spaghetti Squash can easily be turned into it’s namesake and is rather yummy!! Zucchini depending on how you cut it can be turned into lasagna noodles, fettuccine noodle and with some finesse ravioli pockets. Although the last one needs cheese to hold it together but is super yummy!! Although lately I have been looking for something that is more of a pasta texture and so I have turned to nut flours.

Here are some of my finds:
38 Suggestions on Using Vegetables as Noodles. http://paleogrubs.com/pasta-recipes
Non-Gluten/Grain Pasta Recipe: http://www.paleocupboard.com/paleo-pasta.html
And now for some bedtime humor…

Until Tomorrow!

Days 1 Thru Day 26, Before Blog

365 Days of Truth, Confessions of a Mad Woman

Day 1. I am terrified of confrontation and speaking up for myself or in defense of my opinions. I find I get used and walked on because, I will not speak out when something bothers me. I really hate this about myself.
Day 2. I am not as shy as I let on…. I’m just to scared of how people will think of me. Which causes me stress and anxiety, which causes my quirks to kick into full effect, which causes me to not always make sense or act in a normal socially accepted way. So instead of allowing myself to get out there and meet folk. I clam up, hide and play shy.

Challenge to myself: Try and make 5 new friends not introduced to me by my inner core of people. *gulps*

Day 3. Let’s be light-hearted today. When attending the last ever Madstock in London, England. I was injured and managed to use my wilds and charm to get backstage. That day I met Madness.
Day 4. I am very outspoken and passionate… but I take things personally way to often. I am working on this.
Day 5. My daughter saved my life. If she wasn’t here, I don’t think I would be either.
Day 6. I envy larger women who are comfortable and accepting of their bodies. I hate my body on the best of days. I have battled eating disorders, starving myself for weeks, fad diets… have no mirrors that show my lower half at all.

I accept that I will never be able to accept ‘big is beautiful’ for myself. Instead I am now working to healthily shrink the skin I am in.

Telling big people to love or accept themselves for who they are… Does not help. If someone is unhappy in their body, they won’t be happy with it until they are able to change it.

Day 7. One reason, I don’t have my drivers license or give instructions is I don’t know my left from right… unless I make my thumbs and index fingers into L shapes.
Day 8. I wasn’t sure what to say for today’s secret, until D asked me one simple question. “Who was your favourite character when you were a kid?” I honestly had to think about it, and the answer is not one I liked. “I didn’t have one.”

As a child on the Autistic Spectrum, I did not play. I never played make believe. I never got attached to a favoured toy. Nothing. I was a dissector and musically stimulated.

Now though 34 years on I’m learning to play. It’s a challenge, but I have a great teacher.

Day 9. I am hypersensitive to touch. I wear baggy clothing, because tighter clothing is painful as it rubs my skin. I limit my touch contact to close friends only as they will understand if I cringe or pull away quickly.

I am not afraid of needles as most think. Getting a needle is hell. For blood work not only is the needle going in a tummy turning sensation, I can then feel it pulsing in the vein. It’s not a sensation easily described.

On flare up days though, there is only one person I save my ‘spoons’ for and that is D.

Day 10. After my father had passed suddenly, my mother planned a trip to Toronto for my brother, myself and her. Go have some fun and try and make happy moments at a sad time. We were set to go, but the morning of I started to beg my mother that we just stay at home instead. Telling her I had had a dream that she was going to be hurt and my brother and I would be left alone. Now like most people would, my mother took this to be the fears of a five year old who just lost a parent… We were hit by another car on the drive. My mother was put into an ambulance hurt. Leaving my brother and I standing alone (with the police) in a store parking lot.

This was the first ‘dream’ I remember. They never stopped.

Day 11. I am are perfectionist. Due to this I have left a long string of unfinished projects behind me.

This is why Little Trees has been so helpful and exciting an experience for me.

I’m not perfect or a superhero. I am what I believe I can be, with no other unreasonable expectations.

Day 12. When I explode, I do it with no graces, manners or maturity. Although if you give me a few days to allow calmer heads to prevail. I will usually apologize for my behaviour and have a good discussion about what the root problems are.

If however you continue to show the behaviours that angered me in the first place… then all bets are off. I will end friendships, even if I would have tried to salvage them previously.

Day 13: I have an severe phobia of Moths.
Day 14. Some days secrets should stay just that. Secret. Especially when you’re in a not so great mood to start with.
Day 15. One of my most prized ‘Things’ from all my years, is a note on a scrap of paper. (I am a recovering packrat)

I was in a cafe in Toronto, sitting in the hidden smoking section having way to much coffee while reconnecting with an old friend. When Jackie Burroughs came in and sat at the table next to us. I am a HUGE L.M. Montgomery fan, and here was Aunt Hetty sitting next to me!! It took me an hour to build up the courage to ask for an autograph. She apologized, but she didn’t give out autographs.

Gutted… totally gutted, but I smiled and said thank you for letting me interrupt. Then she asked my name, I responded it was the same as hers, Jackie. She laughed and asked me if I liked it, I said “not really and you?”
She shook her head and said no too. There I was over the moon to be laughing and joking with an icon of Canadian theater/television/movies for ten minutes!! At this point I didn’t care about the autograph anymore. As I was saying goodbye and thank you for letting a fan girl interrupt her coffee, she pulled out a pen and paper and wrote me a note and signed it. She handed it to me with a smile and said good bye.

As I got back to my table, I unfolded the note. I read my personal message and looked at the signature.. I made her smile and we shared the same name that is why she signed the note for me. It’s framed, a valued treasure indeed.

Day 16: When it comes to men I am a loser. Seriously… I was single for almost a decade before I married. I think maybe that is why I settled for the first guy who actually wanted to be with ME, not just my breasts. (Please refer back to loser in love)

The only encounters I did have were basically ‘Lonely sex’ or for most of the guys ‘ You’re not my type but I have needs so you will do’. There were even a few that I really wished it was different, as my feelings were a bit stronger then their needs.

This is why I have come to a conclusion that I am probably destined to be lonely and single the rest of my life. You know what though… I am okay with that. I would rather be lonely then have D learn that having partners who just treat you as a walking breasts and vagina are okay to be with.

It’s all about being strong enough to love yourself, and know that no one else has to love you to be happy.

Day 17: Honestly I feel horrible. Pretty sure it’s the flu? Either way I am to cotton headed to be deep and insightful. So something light… I collect cookbooks. I currently have around 100 cookbooks spanning globally from the 1800’s to present day.
Day 18 (late): When I was younger I wanted to become a marine biologist and run off to join Greenpeace.

My dream was stopped dead in it’s tracks by school standard testing. I was told I would never have the math grades required. To just give up and do something I’d be able to do.

So disheartened I did just that. I put away all my books on marine life and Greenpeace and gave up. Thinking, no convinced I was not good enough.

Encourage do not discourage a persons dreams. You never know when you might make the next genius feel useless about themselves and they just give up.

Day 19. Sometimes, not all the time though. I let D have ice cream for breakfast, and feel no guilt about it. Because usually there are giggles and wiggles, as memories are made.
Day 20. `Bullying’. Yup tonight is going to be a deep one, with a happy ending I promise.

Grade Two: We had a substitute teacher, she was the mother of a fellow student. I needed to pee. I had raised my hand, been scolded when I dared say ‘Excuse me’ to get her attentions. You see she was helping her daughter with a difficult problem. Well at the point of almost no return I got up and started for the door. It was that or have an accident. She yelled at me to get back into my seat, and that I was being disruptive. No matter how much I tried to plead with her… I was ignored. Forced to return to my seat, where yes, I wet myself. The teacher then purposefully shamed me and humiliated me, while my class mates laughed. I was told to clean up my mess, and not allowed to go clean myself up or call my mother to get me. I was made to sit in my pee soaked dress all day, and all the way home on the school bus.

Grade 4-8: I was awkward, I was in the LDU, I had already tried to kill myself and been hospitalized, I was shy, I didn’t wear Roots, I hated gym, I had armpit hair. Those are some reasons… I had two friends S. and B. When new kids would come, they were warned I was a weirdo and to not be my friend. But… At the end of grade 8 something pretty cool happened. A boy by the name of R.R-T Anyways he was sent to the LDU to help him with I think it was math. One day he mentioned to another student that his father had a boat at the Britannia Yacht Club. I shyly mentioned that is where my family had had our boat. He asked where it was then, I told him my father had died in an accident at the club and we didn’t have the boat anymore. Suddenly by their reactions I had grown a third eye and was a weirdo to be ignored again. The next day… He came up to me and said he was sorry. I told him honestly I was confused, sorry for what? He told me he asked his dad about what I had said. His dad told him about that day, he was there. He told Randy we had been there too, just before it happened. He promised not to call me strange again and began to say hi everyday. Slowly more and more kids I had been in school with for 4-5 years with were saying hi. The bullying never really stopped, but for a while I had friends and felt included.

I could continue, but I think you get the point. I was bullied from grade one all the way through into my 30’s. For a long time I was effected by their words and actions against me. BUT… It dawned on me about a month ago, that I was still allowing peoples actions towards me to control me 30 years on. They were no longer my bullies… I was now bullying and shaming myself. I was holding onto these memories, no one else was forcing them on me. It was time to let them go, to be free of the memories of embarrassment, tears, fears, hurt and humiliation.

Now I dance in the streets with D singing at the top of our lungs. I don’t care if my clothes aren’t fashionable, I like them. I am not comfortable in my skin, but I am happy with what I am doing to change it. Basically, I don’t care what others think because I AM HAPPY WITH WHO I AM. That is all that matters.

*Warning this episode contains scenes with Unverified Personal Gnosis. Read at your own risk, but understand these are MY thoughts and feelings before you poop on them. I am not asking anyone to share my thinking or think it’s even more than horse manure. I am asking you to have an open mind to my spirituality*

Day 21: Okay… *Deep Breath In*… *Exhale and Type*
I have a foggy memory of being small, it is night time and there is a huge thunder storm. I remember being so scared, but my father was there. He was telling me stories of a God of Thunder who was bowling with his hammer. Each time the thunder rumbled he was throwing it, and when the lightening crashed it’s because he hit the pins making them crash to the ground. It made me giggle and I was no longer afraid, of the storms because I knew it was just the Gods having fun.

As the years went on the story faded to a brief memory. I had found a new God and his son, and forgot about the old ones. I tried hard to understand about the scriptures and the commandments. It just never felt right… and then at a very dark time in my life, I felt ultimately betrayed by God. How could he allow what happened to so many of us in ‘that place’? How could he allow those people to do these things in ‘Gods Name’? At 16, I turned my back on God and Jesus. The wounds still hurt, and the secrets from there are still to painful to share for myself and many on my Facebook friends list. (Quick Note: Please understand these are MY feelings and that you do not have all the information. I am sorry about that. Until the court case has settled though it is better to just stay quiet)

For a while I believed in nothing, then I returned to the old Gods. I began by learning about the ‘Celtic’ Gods for a few years, it felt better but still not right. It was at a festival, 17 years ago. I camped on top of a large rock outcropping, to my left was the way to Men’s Ritual site and to the right was the way to the river. It was a night of storming, and there was water coming into my tent. I donned my tarp and headed out to try and stop the drips. As I stepped out lightening began to flash all around, striking the river and the ritual site. I have to admit I was panicking at this point, but then I had my ‘Spiritual re-awakening’ moment. The next flash of lightening, I saw a man with a hammer on top of the rock outcropping, and suddenly the memory of my fathers voice and story came back… and like a nutter I began to laugh and felt safe.

I remained in the shadows in our community, for many reasons. Occasionally asking very cryptic questions of Asatru friends. I collected whatever books I could. As the dawning of the ‘Time of Internet Knowledge’ came, I sifted through piles of articles, papers and personal opinions. I did this for 15 years. Then I went to a brand new festival with a friend R. Who would turn out to be my guide out of my seclusion. It was the second night, it had rained all day but had cleared up around dinner time. I was sitting at the table reading as D had passed out cold, when R. walked up to our site. She handed me a necklace, on it hung a Mjolnir and said ” I bought this for me, but I think you need to put it on instead.” I took it, I stared at it for a while, and then put it on. Suddenly, thunder and lightening began to sound all around us again for a good minute and a half. Again, I laughed and said “Alright, I get the point”. Since that day I have rarely gone with out proudly wearing my Mjolnir.

I am a proud Heathen and I do believe in things you can not see or explain. I do believe in personal spiritual moments and experiences. I also believe in a healthy dose of research and verified proof, but sometimes books and things in the ground are not enough explanation and you just have to go with your gut. I no longer feel the need to hide this or feel shame about it. This is who I am, and I am happy.

(For some reason this one is causing me more fear to post then most)
*Deep Breath in*… *Post and Exhale*

Day 22: For a picky textural eater I have tried or eaten many ‘exotic’ to western palate foods. Some of my favorite foods, are foods that would usually turn a tummy or two at the thought.

Some foods tried or eaten unknowingly, never again!
Rat, dog, cat, spider, cows brain, pigs testicle with penis attached, I think it was goat testicles, maybe sheep? Sucking the brains out of raw shrimp, fish eyeballs, various insects. So many but the one I just could never do was the Thousand Year Old Egg. I had to draw the line somewhere. I mean I tried prahoak… Once. I only had so many lives left.

Some of my favorite odd foods,
A good strong Stilton, my uncles blood pudding, BBQ cows heart, Kitfo, Sashimi (Only way I will eat fish is raw). Bring on any white rind cheese, the creamier the better. Who am I kidding… just give me cheese! Sugar ants. I think that is what they were. I was visiting a home of a friend and his family served the meal. There were these rather large ants in my dish, i was sure they had just gotten in some how and was trying to remove them. The other westerner with me leaned over and asked if I had ants in my soup. i nodded… It was then we realized we were eating ant soup. So being good sports we tried, and we liked it. They crunch but only for a moment like a bean, then there is a delicious woody sweet taste. We actually asked for seconds. Lastly to throw in a fruit durian.

I am willing to try things but prefer to stay with in my comfort zones. Although with my pension for wanderlust, I do like tasting the local treats and delicacies.

Day 23: When I was little I was carefree and wild. When I was a bit older I began to have interests. I loved dinosaurs. What kid doesn’t? I wanted to be a paleontologist. Then when I was older, I loved whales and sharks and Jacque-Yves Cousteau. I wanted to be a Marine Biologist. Then when I was older still I was given a book by M.C. Escher. I wanted to be an artist. Then I was given a camera. I used to walk just aimlessly along the Ottawa River taking roll after roll of driftwood, washed up shoes, geese, ducks. I wanted to be a photographer.

Well I can proudly say, that although I never got to be everything I wanted to be. I have been a successful photographer. I am an artist. I was a teacher. I am currently also working on being an author. I’m a mother. Now though a spark that was lit a year ago has burned into an inferno of I want to do this… I want to get a university degree. There are many reasons behind my decision.

As I said, a year ago I was talking to a friend about books on Viking and Norse traditions. Offhandedly they happened to mention a Masters Degree in Iceland that got my heart racing. So I began to think, and re-think, and over-think… and then think everything through again. So once I have all the documents and papers filled out, I am applying at Ottawa University in their Medieval and Renaissance Studies program. The future is looking a lot brighter now. I enjoy finally feeling like I have a sense of direction. I haven’t felt this way in a long long time.

Day 24: I was just freshly 17, it was New Years eve, and we had gone to Hull to celebrate. DJ Leslie was blasting out some great music of the times, Skinny Puppy, Front 242, O Fortuna… It was a good night.

I kept bumping into this pretty cute guy, in the line at the bar, line to the washrooms, watching our friends coats as they were on the dance floor. He had been wearing a Dead Kennedy’s shirt, one of my favourite bands. So we had started talking about the punk and industrial music scenes, then about ourselves. He was from Poland, only here to visit family, loved punk more then the industrial, and was also in the bar illegally. Well as Midnight moved closer, we could no longer hear what each other was saying, so he went to find his family and I went to join my friends on the dance floor.

Just as Midnight was about to strike, I went over to get I think my cigarettes from my purse. Then the countdown started, 5… I got a crazy idea. 4… I downed the last of my beer for courage. 3… Breath check. 2… Nerves, backing out. 1… No time like the present. At 12am, I kissed this boy whose name I didn’t even know… at 12:03am he finished kissing me. It was one of the most passionate kisses I have ever experienced, I was weak in the knees. We both just looked at each other for a moment. Smiled and went our separate ways. We never even knew each others names. We didn’t see each other again, I assume he went back to Poland and settled… But to me he will always be the boy I shared a passionate moment with on my 17th birthday.

(Note I have never had the testicles to do that again.)

Day 25 late: I have suffered from depression for 30+ years. I have talked to all manner of professionals, I have been hospitalized, if there is a ‘new treatment’ I’ve tried or looked into it and I have been medicated for most of it. Not now as I made the decision to be able to live my life and not just zombie through it.

You know what really upsets me though. People who presume to know my moods or what I am thinking. People who presume that they know all about depression and need to hand out advice or critic how you lead your life. You know what… right now there is only one person allowed to do that… my Mother. Because she has had to go through this horrible crap with me too.

Depression varies in forms and intensity. Unsolicited advice does not help. So before you give it… make sure it is wanted.

Day 26: It’s a silly one. Even after all these years. I still cry when I read Flint Fireforge’s death scene in the 3rd book of the Dragonlance Chronicles.

Day 28

365 Days of My

When I went to pick up Little Miss from her school bus this afternoon, she was all bright and cheerful. Laughing about how she and some other kids were playing … ‘Fat’ earlier at school.

The Game of Fat… Do exactly what you normally do, but turn your backpacks around on your tummy so you look like you have a belly.

I knelt down and started to tell her the same lines.. “Sweetie making fun of people because of their size…” She cut me off mid-sentence, normally this would have something said about interrupting, but her words were perfectly said. ” We weren’t making fun of fat people. we don’t have tummy’s and we wanted to have one. That’s not bad, right?” Yup, schooled by my on four year old. Why could she not want to have a belly?  I needed to remember at that moment, that although I do not like my body the way it is… I could not let that affect my daughters perceptions of herself. So I laughed “You are right, you weren’t making fun of anyone. Do you think we can find another word to use though instead of Fat?”  We have both now started to say Plump, because it made us giggle to say over and over.

Although my bright eyed girl dulled when we got home. She just lay on the couch and did not move… This was a sign that she was getting under the weather. When she complained of being cold, I knew it was time to take her temperature. 101.9oC!?! She was fine not five minutes before!

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Tylenol has been given, many a Popsicle have been consumed for her throat and now she is sleeping with only a fever of 99.1oC.  The schools already been called that she won’t be there, and I am planning an in bed video watching day, after we get back from the doctors.

365 Days of Truth – Confessions of a Mad Woman

Before I start I want to share a few links…

Canada – http://www.partnersformh.ca/resources/find-help/crisis-centres-across-canada/

United States – http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-health-helpline

United Kingdom – http://www.depressionalliance.org/community/useful-contacts.php

and lastly…

http://letstalk.bell.ca/en/

Now on to my confession:  I woke up this morning and looked on my Facebook. My newsfeed was covered in Bell ‘Let’s Talk’. Now,  I think Bell ‘Let’s Talk’ is a great idea!! I love that they are helping speak up on a topic that many are still ignorant or turn a blind eye towards. Mental Health and Depression.  I love that the charity raises a lot of money towards helping mental health initiatives and helping people all across Canada.  Here’s what I don’t like though and never have

Why is it, that it takes rock-stars, TV stars, Olympians and hockey players talking about their own experiences with depression and mental health issues publicly before a larger audience will listen? Even then the ‘mass effect’ still only lasts for a few days, and for a few days out of every year it’s alright for people to talk about their depression or mental health issues.

Then the ‘cool’ fades and everyone goes silent again…

Crickets chirruping and tumble weeds rolling by quiet…

Depression and mental health does not just magically come and go for those three days. If it did, I really don’t think Depression and Mental Health would be the issue. No, sadly it’s there for the full 365 days of each and every year.

We need that same kind of motivation for advocating Mental Health issues 365 Days a year and not just one day. We need to let people know it’s okay to talk about the darker places with out fear of dismissal or ridicule.  It needs to be okay to ask for help, before it is to late.  Things need to change and that takes more then just one celebrity filled day.

Mental Health Statistic in Canada
‘In 2012, approximately 2.8 million people, or 10.1% of Canadians aged 15 and older, reported symptoms consistent with at least one of six mental or substance use disorders in the past 12 months.’                     http://www.statcan.gc.ca/daily-quotidien/130918/dq130918a-eng.htm

Okay so this was more of a personal rant then confession, but at least I admitted that I disliked something… Yes I am reaching at straws.

Please Note 365 Days of Healthy Living will be postponed til tomorrow when you will get a double dose. It is not easy to be a single mum taking care of a sick mini-me and sometimes you need to cut things out of the plan. Thank you for being understanding!!

Just remember the wisdom the Rex…

rex28

Until tomorrow…

Day 27

365 Days of My

Today was an adventure. Little Miss began her day by loudly proclaiming after almost twelve hours of sleep, that she was still tired and needed more. I felt her forehead, checked her temperature, felt her throat.  Nope, she was fine and it was Monday… Time for school. Most people have a negative relationship with Monday. Personally as a single mom, I love my Mondays. I rest in the mornings, although this morning I had an appointment. Then I ‘clean up’ the house a little, my mantra is “If it don’t stink and it’s not rotting, the garbage is taken out, everyone has clean underpants and is bathed. Then we’re fine.” I’d rather spend my time with my daughter, who I see a grand total of 3.5 hours before I put her to bed just to repeat it again tomorrow.

When I went to pick her up, she got off the bus in tears. I knelt down and asked her what was wrong, trying to wipe up her tears before they turned to icicles and she got frostbite. She bravely with quivering lip got out through her tears, that she had left Uh-Oh at school.

uhoh

Uh-Oh is a a cherished member of our family, seriously if we got a family photo Uh-Oh would be front and center. I have braved gale force winds and thunder and lightening to search for Uh-Oh. We needed to rescue Uh-Oh, and in the process go and get Little Miss yet another pair of shoes for school. Third pair this year, they had better last! I knew I was going to be to pooped to really make dinner when we got home, so instead we dined at the fine establishment of McDonalds. This is where I got the shot for today’s posting.

d27

She was playing with her reflection, having a conversation and lamenting how she doesn’t have a twin.

 

365 Days of Truth: Confessions of a Mad Woman

Today was a long and adventurous day, my brain is not letting all it’s neurons fire. So for today’s confession I thought I would do a few Top 5 lists…

Top Five Fears: 1. Moths. I’ve done a confession on this one already.  2.  What is after death? This one terrifies me. I am religious and have my own beliefs, and yes that should comfort me some… but it doesn’t.  3. Heights. I suffer from extreme vertigo, dizziness, vomiting the whole package. Sadly this was discovered on a very narrow sheep trail pretty high up a steep hill on the Isle of Skye.  4. Loosing my daughter… I think this one needs no explanation.  5.  End of the world talk. Yes this terrifies me and I do not like participating in End of World scenario talks.

Top Five Likes:  1.  Playing video games, although I don’t get to have a lot of time to do this anymore. Although I find video games to be very helpful with more stressful days.  2. The study of Norse religion, mythology and mysticism.  3.  All types of cooking, I am really into trying to learn about historical recipes and cooking techniques.  4.  Camping, has always been a release for me. When I younger I didn’t speak, until my parents took me camping. I came out of my shell in the wilds and I that is still the same today.  5.  Music, I love music I can warble along to as I shake my boo-tay.

Top Five Hardest Things for me to Do: 1.  Take a compliment. I have been known to tell a person to shut up when they were just simply giving me a compliment.  2.  Get dressed, without changing at least 5 times.  3.  Articulate what I wish to say over the Internet. Dude these posts can take up to three hours due to re-writing until my thoughts are clear.   4. Throw away anything with a memory associated to it. I had best take up scrap-booking soon or win the lottery and buy a house.  5.  Not take things personally…

365 Days of Healthy  Living

As we all know I went to McDonalds for dinner. I am not going to talk about the effects of healthy eating, when I had a McDonalds for dinner. Just doesn’t seem right…

However the more I thought about it, the more I felt justified to say this was a ‘Healthy Living’ experience. My daughter and I got to spend time, laughing, talking and being silly. We sang songs as we danced in our seats and had a wonderful night. We were in our own bubble together, no technology, no distractions, just her, I and our hamburgers.

Here is what we were going to have for dinner though. Enjoy!

abcs

For more Yummy recipe ideas like this one you can go to: http://thepaleobelle.wordpress.com/paleo-recipes/

And now for some bedtime humour…

tr27

Found @:  http://www.memecenter.com/fun/1654859/misunderstood-t-rex

Taking the Plunge: From Facebook to the World.

Realizing my life was spiraling out of control at the end of 2013, I decided to put on my big girl panties and make a change.  I needed to be happy and healthy to raise my daughter and enjoy life, but I wasn’t. I was a wreck from depression, stress and anxiety, self loathing and pity.  Things had to change and only I had to the control to do it.  So I am…

The 365 day project is something I began on Facebook January 1st, 2014.  A personal journey to improving my life as a whole through, spirituality, food, family and friends, laughter and the telling of secrets. Now though I am taking my project from Facebook, to the better suited format of a Blog.

Project 1 – 365 Days of My

Memories are cherished things and children do grow up so quickly. My daughter started school in September and now comes home talking about the boy she loves and is going to marry.  So I have started to take a daily picture of her and post them to Instagram.  It’s amazing to watch my mini-me grow up; but as a mother I wish sometimes, I could just stop the clock and hold my little baby.

365 Days of My - Day 3 Day9 Day22

(Top) Day 3: Making soup at Granny’s house.  (Center) Day 9: Grumpy Puss (Bottom) Day 22: Scream, we’re taking a picture. 

Project Two: 365 Days of Truth, Confessions of a Mad Woman

I put a challenge on myself this year to only speak in truth, not only to others but to myself.  We all hide secrets, things we think are embarrassing or if you share, people will think you’re nuts. Well on January the first, I flung my closet of secrets wide open and started throwing out my skeletons… on Facebook. It is terrifying to bear your ‘soul’ to (171) folk around you, and yet so liberating all at the same time.

So, Why am I doing it? Because admitting my fears, anxieties, dislikes and embarrassing moments is freeing. It helps me to release the ‘negative’ aspects in my life through little A-HA! moments.  From the silly to the cathartic… I am talking about it all.

365 days of Truth
Confessions of a Mad Woman

Day 1:

I am terrified of confrontation and speaking up for myself or in defense of my opinions. I find I get used and walked on because, I will not speak out when something bothers me. I really hate this about myself.’
Day 6:
I envy larger women who are comfortable and accepting of their bodies. I hate my body on the best of days. I have battled eating disorders, starving myself for weeks, fad diets… have no mirrors that show my lower half at all. I accept that I will never be able to accept ‘big is beautiful’ for myself. Instead I am now working to healthily shrink the skin I am in. Telling big people to love or accept themselves for who they are… Does not help. If someone is unhappy in their body, they won’t be happy with it until they are able to change it
Day 24:
‘I was just freshly 17, it was New Years eve, and we had gone to Hull to celebrate. DJ L. was blasting out some great music of the times, Skinny Puppy, Front 242, O Fortuna… It was a good night. I kept bumping into this pretty cute guy, in the line at the bar, line to the washrooms, watching our friends coats as they were on the dance floor. He had been wearing a Dead Kennedy’s shirt, one of my favourite bands. So we had started talking about the punk and industrial music scenes, then about ourselves. He was from Poland, only here to visit family, loved punk more then the industrial, and was also in the bar illegally. Well as Midnight moved closer, we could no longer hear what each other was saying, so he went to find his family and I went to join my friends on the dance floor.  Just as Midnight was about to strike, I went over to get I think my cigarettes from my purse. Then the countdown started, 5… I got a crazy idea. 4… I downed the last of my beer for courage. 3… Breath check. 2… Nerves, backing out. 1… No time like the present. At 12am, I kissed this boy whose name I didn’t even know… at 12:03am he finished kissing me. It was one of the most passionate kisses I have ever experienced, I was weak in the knees. We both just looked at each other for a moment. Smiled and went our separate ways. We never even knew each others names. We didn’t see each other again, I assume he went back to Poland and settled… But to me he will always be the boy I shared a passionate moment with on my 17th birthday.

Project Three – 365 Days of Healthy Living

I have been doing a lot of research into healthy eating can help with conditions such as chronic pain, depression, autism and stress and anxiety. I have all of these, and due to prolonged use of medications many now are just not effective without larger dosages. Remember that whole I want to enjoy life, well you can’t when you’re walking around like a drooling zombie.

Now I am not advocating this over medicines. Although for myself I have noticed since I began eating a modified Paleo/Autism diet my stress and anxiety is more manageable, my aches and pains from depression are fading and less and less noticeable each day, I have more energy and am all around a much happier person. The weight loss is just gravy on top of all this honestly.

It has also helped my daughter and my relationship to not be doing the delivery anymore.  At four my daughter loves to cook, so do I. So each night we make supper together creating a new special family time away from technology, to just talk and giggle about things in her day.

The Following recipe is a favourite in our house, and has replaced the traditional baked potato. We get creative with our avocados now all thanks to the inspiration of the Baked Eggacado!

 Baked Eggocado

Yield: Serves 2 to 3

Prep Time: 10 minutes

Cook Time: 15 to 18 minutes

Ingredients:

3 large ripe avocados
3 large eggs
Cumin
Red Pepper Flakes
Chili Powder
White Cheddar Cheese
Lemon juice

Directions:

Preheat oven to 425 degrees.

Spray a baking sheet with non-stick cooking spray. Take avocado and cut in half and remove pit. Drizzle a little bit of lemon juice on top to keep it from turning brown. On the bottom of the skin side, slice a little off the skin so the avocado lays flat. Do this to all of the avocados. After you’re done, whisk eggs in a small bowl. Spoon some of the whisked egg into the well of the avocado (it doesn’t take very much so be careful not to overfill). Garnish the tops with whatever your heart desires – cumin, cheese, red pepper flakes, etc.

Place the eggocados onto the baking sheet. Bake for about 15 to 18 minutes or until the egg looks completely cooked through. Enjoy!

This Recipe can be found at: http://www.climbinggriermountain.com/2013/04/foodie-fridays-baked-eggocado.html

Also as a last warning, I like to laugh. Be prepared for T-Rex shaming…

T-Rex-Cant-Clap

Three hundred and sixty five days in pursuit of Living