Tag Archives: confessions

Day 41

365 Days of My

Today Little Miss did not want to go to school because she was tired and her legs hurt.  Remember I love my Mondays, but I was in no mood for a fight this morning… So I caved. But there was one rule..

Rule: If she was tired,  then she needed to rest on the couch. It wasn’t playtime or jump around time. It was rest time.

The leg thing honestly baffled me, until lunchtime.  Where she ate everything, no picking at all… cleaned the plate and even went after mine too!! Then I fully understood. It’s another growth spurt, and a big one. Later she told me it hurt to always sit cross-legged like they do at school. So after she went to sleep, I sent a quick e-mail off to the teachers asking that she gets to spread her legs out a bit more when they hurt.  Problem solved…


And after a long day of helping me out with the laundry. She asked, I’d be nuts to say no. It was time for a snuggle before bed. Now she is snoring loud enough I can hear her downstairs.

365 Days of Truth, Confessions of a Mad Woman

Last Mother’s Day.  I was blue and cried when I read  on Facebook how my other Mother friends had breakfast in bed, spa days and pampering. For me it was just another day… I was jealous and feeling left out.

But then I thought about it, and the way I look at it. I might not get manicures, massages and breakfast in bed one day a year, but… I don’t have to share my hugs. I get all the kisses and she tells me she loves  me a million times a day. Those are gifts enough for me.

365 Days of Healthy Living

20 Uses for Coconut Oil

1.  Cook with it, it is a good butter replacement.
2.  Stir a bit into your tea to flavour it.
3.  Warm some up to liquify it and make a yummy salad dressing.
4. Use it instead of shaving cream.
5. Use it as a hair treatment. Work 3-5T into your hair. Comb through and  leave it overnight. Rinse. Enjoy soft manageable hair.
6.  Use it as a diaper rash cream.
7. Extra Strength Moisturizer.
8. Use as an all natural daily moisturizer for face, body and lips.
9. Combine baking soda and coconut oil to make an all natural toothpaste.
10. All natural sexual lubricant.
11. Breastfeeding mothers can use this as a safe all natural nipple cream.
12. It can be used to removed gum out of hair.
13. Use it as a natural deodorant.
14. Use it to help heal small cuts and burns.
15. Use it as a massage oil.
16. Use it to remove your make up.
17. Use it to oil squeaky doors or toy wheels.
18. Apparently you can clean bronze with it.
19. They say if you mix coconut oil and peppermint oil it works as an insect repellent.
20.  Can be used in mild to moderate cases of head lice.

And now for a bedtime laugh…

redbull in my coffee

Until Tomorrow!!




Day 38 and 39… Two for One Special

This was me all last night trying to manage a sticky keyboard.. It took me over an hour to write just one section. The problem seems to be at least temporarily fixed.

365 Day of My

Day 38


In an attempt to be silly and block the camera, she inadvertently made an awesome photograph.

Day 39


What does the Fox say? 

365 Days of Truth, Confessions of a Mad Woman

Day 38

I do not like passive  aggressive behavior.

I have been working very hard to stop doing that behavior, instead of simply solving problems head on.

My feeling on it now is…  Not only is it cowardly, it solves nothing and causes unnecessary drama.

Day 39

When I was a panhandler my best money making line was …

” Excuse me, could you please spare some change. My goldfish flipper has the ick and needs some medicine.” *cheeky smile

It got people to stop, think and most often laugh.


365 Days of Healthy Living

Day 38
‘After paying off everything this month this is what I have left. $80 per week for groceries and $9 for any emergency that may happen. There is additional money that comes in but it has already been allotted else where. ‘

This is the life of a single parent who lives under the poverty line. The everyday choices that you have to make to ensure your child has what they need provided for them: Food, clothing, school, medicine, creative/imaginative/educational stimulation.

Sadly that means..
1.  So no money for transportation, if I can not walk to  it we don’t go. This includes days where Little Miss misses her very early morning school bus. 7am. So we must be ready and out the door no later then 6:54am. Even in the snowy conditions I push her  on her little tricycle. If I didn’t and made her walk, we would have to leave the house by 6:48am… I know I tried a few times.
2.  So no money for clothing, I rely on hand me downs and donations for Little Miss, and she is growing like a bean!! This is why I was talking the other day about upcycling clothing, learning to sew and so on.
3.  So  no money for laundry, so I spend hours hand-washing everything. I have a bathtub, a bucket and a modified plunger. Trust me when I say…ONE of the best upper body workouts you can ever get!! Although, it is time consuming and my kitchen is the only place to hang a clothesline.
4.  So no money for fun outings…. Little Miss and I used to love going to the Museum and seeing the dinosaurs. Now I have to hold back my tears, as she cries when I tell her no, maybe next month.
5.  So no money… means added stress and anxiety with a side order of the blues.

BUT… I can sit and be upset by what we do not have or I can be happy and thankful for all I do have, because many do not have even as much as I do.

We have a roof over our heads. We have good healthy foods in the house. We have fun making up games or just cuddling watching a movie or reading a book. We both love to be unique,  so we are both looking forward to designing our own clothing. We are doing alright.

Instead of dwelling and getting upset, which just ends up in me falling into a depression. I tried hard each day to look at the positive side of things, a difficult thing indeed. Then one day I was hit in the head by an inspiration ah-ha! moment… It’s a wacky crazy idea, but if  successful  it will be community and life changing. It’s going to take planning, and careful decisions and funding. At this point though I am ready for the challenge.

I am not ready to accept that this will be my life, but no one can change my life but me… and I am not ready to throw in the towel yet.

Day 39

Healthy Dessert Options… for the whole family!

Soy Free, Dairy Free, and Gluten Free  Paleo ‘Reese’s’ Cheesecake
Paleo Reese's Cheesecake with Fauxreo Crust


Dark Chocolate Paleo Mousse Hearts
Processed with VSCOcam


You know what… I am drooling trying to choose the desserts to offer up. So how about you just head on over to Clean Eating With A Dirty Mind, Sweet Life/Desserts… Here’s the link. Please enjoy!!

Now for a before bedtime laugh…

Until Tomorrow!!

Day 36

365  Days of My

Today Little Miss was all better. I even got a smile first thing in the morning!!!


So guess who’s  off to school tomorrow!!
I’m going to clean the house!! WOOHOO!!

365 Days of Truth, Confessions of a Mad Woman

A lot of Little Misses plush toys were mine… I still get feelings of possessiveness when I see her playing with them roughly and want to take them away and say “Mine”.  I never have and I never will… But the feeling is there.

365 Days of Healthy Living

Lately I have been trying to figure out ways to cut corners on costs, and while I might be good at painting and my sculpting. I am no seamstress. I have been hearing about upcycling clothing, and I really need to try this.  I have challenged myself to really learn, beyond the basics of sewing, embroidery, arm knitting and nålebinding.

What is Upcycling?
Basic Hand Sewing Tutorial:
Embroidery: How to Videos, multiple stitches
Arm Knitting Tutorial:

Nålebinding: Oslo Stitch

I am hoping to soften the summer clothes expenses by making a lot of Little Miss and my own clothing from things we already have. That way money can be set aside for when the new school year comes, with all of it’s expenses. In these times it really is hard to be a parent, single or otherwise when it comes to affording it all.  So instead of worrying or whining, I’m going to find a way to make everything alright. I think it will be fun!!

So how is all this  healthy aside from saving some money?  Well I need a distraction from the internet. I intend shortly to almost completely unplug. I am going to allow myself 1 hour of internet sometime between 7am-3pm. Then after my daughter goes to bed, I will allow myself 2 hours to write up my blog posting and check up on social media to see how people are doing.  I need the disconnection, I need to reconnect with the real world.  These projects will give me something to do in my limited free time… something that is not being connected.

And now for a before bedtime laugh…

There has been a lot of this movie (Disney, Frozen) playing in the house over our sick days. The Grumpy Cat version is funny too…

Until Tomorrow!!

Day 35

365 Day of My

Little Miss told me a story today…
“Once upon a time, there were many many metal warriors.
Their job was to protect the magical golden arrow.
Many bad guys came to steal the arrow, but the warriors beat them.
Then one day a bad bad man came, and he killed the warriors. Then they went over the bridge to the hall where Odin was waiting.
That’s it! ”

Then she shot me with an toy arrow and smiled!

Yup, she is defiantly on the mend from the flu.  Which is good, because on top of my dual ear infection. I think I may be coming down with her flu.

365 Days of Truth, Confessions of a Mad Woman

I am a COMPLETE Control Freak.

I am completely disorganized and lose everything.

I do not like change at all.

I suck at any money management skills.

I am a master procrastinator.

Five things that need to be changed.

Please refer to point three. *head desk*


365 Days of Healthy Living

According to some sources smiles and looking at baby animals can help add time to your life. So I’d like to give you some life back…

Baby Bacon

This little chap seems so happy!

I can FLY!

…and just to add the last bit of mana. Please  enjoy this video from he Toronto Zoo of a baby Polar Bear going in the snow for the first time.


And now for some bedtime laughter…

Until Tomorrow!!

Day 34

365 Days of My

My daughter shared her dream with me…

Little Miss: ” I dreamed that I was walking in the woods. Then I finded a puppy. The puppy and I played and walked in the woods. We got losted though and we got scared. Then we finded a magical doorway so we weren’t losted anymore. The door led to the ‘pink room’ (my office/crafting room) so we were happy we were home. I showed you the puppy and you said he was super cute. So I asked you to keep him…”Me: “And what did I say?”
Little Miss: “Yes. So we need a puppy…”

She wants a Great Pyrenees… Like her Auntie M’s  ZooZoo.

I on the  other hand would love one of these handsome pups.

What we will probably end up with, and it will be just as loved if not more.

Yes,  I knowingly walked into conversation, but the puppy talk is not new. So I assured her that when she was older and we had a larger home, also we could get a puppy or a dog but we had to rescue them.

If you’re considering a new member to your family, please consider a rescue dog. Here are some links to rescue shelters in Ontario, consider an adoption or maybe just a donation.

Hopeful Hearts:
Friendly Giants Dog Rescue: http://www.friendlygiantsdogrescue.com/
PAWS – United:
Ontario Rescue Organizations in Ontario:
Poet’s Vision Aussie Rescue:

**Please feel free to add any Dog, Cat, Animal rescues that may be in your neck of the woods in the comments below.

365 Days of Truth, Confessions of a Mad Woman

By the time half of my grade nine year was complete, I was a mess and being expelled from one of the worst high schools in all the city. It was time to look into the private boarding school route.  My mother encouraged me to be part of the decision for which school I would be going to. We looked at many schools and eventually settled on the one that seemed to be the best and although it was a Christian school, we were assure that religion was not enforced in the school and it was the students choice to participate in the services and worship.

Within the first few days, I knew almost everything we had been told was a lie.  My first Sunday, I was under the assumption that I did not need to go to services if I did not want to. I was quickly laughed at, told I was a liar and trying to cause problems, and given two choices: Church or I could be Disciplined.  I went to church. I was forced to speak the prayers, sing the hymns and take communion or again I could be disciplined.

Basic Explaination of ‘D’ : When a student at the school broke a rule one of the punishments was called Discipline. The student was removed from general student population for a period of 1 day up to 1 month… even longer sometimes.  The student was not allowed to wear their uniform, instead they wore ‘Normal’ clothing. The student was not allowed to speak to anyone, unless directly asked a question by their Prefect/Leader keeper or a member of the staff.  The student was made to ‘clean’ the school instead of attending classes, but still expected without learning the subjects to complete all homework and tests.

I was at this school from 1989-1992, but that was long enough for me to lose what little faith in God I had gained in my short life.  Here is a basic list of examples of why…

1. I was taught that it was the woman’s fault if they were raped. 2. I was forced to participate in extra prayers to help save my soul.
3. The headmaster many times used my breasts or other personal body parts to move me out of the way. Even if I was the only one in the hall or room.
4. I was nearly put on D because I said I believed in evolution.
5. By grade 12, I was cutting again, I was held in a room in the basement of the girls dorm, prayed over and told it was a demon. I was not permitted treatment or to call my mother.
6. I was suspended for not telling on another student.
7. I was mocked for my weight by the girls Physical Education teacher, she even encouraged other students to join in.
8.  One time while on D I was refused food for a day and a half as a lesson… For eating a half eaten cookie because i was starving.
9. I was lectured on being a ‘slut’ because I had accidentally sat to close to a boy… breaking the 6inch rule.
10.  I once forgot that I had a sci-fi book in my bag. When I realized, I left it in my suitcase to just take back home next break.  It was found and destroyed. Instead I was given a bible and made to sit in silence reading it through study hall, unable to complete my homework for the next day… which also had punishments.

These are only 10 of the things that happened at that school, the others vary in degrees of good to bad.

For many years I held a hatred for God, Jesus and anyone that followed them. As I grew older though, I began to understand that this had been happening to a lot of students, Christian and Non. That it was the fault of the people running the school and the Christian community that backed them. It had nothing to do with God, Jesus or even Christians World-wide.

I am now part of a long on-going class action lawsuit, the leaders must be held responsible for their actions or in some cases their non-actions towards the horrible things that happened to some of us there.  As well I’ve made my peace with God and Jesus… but I will never again have faith for him.

The Courtcase: http://www.kmlaw.ca/Case-Central/Overview/Status-Of-Case/?rid=155
CTV News: http://www.ctvnews.ca/canada/appeal-filed-in-ontario-school-abuse-case-1.929519
More Information: http://digitaljournal.com/article/223036

365 Days of Healthy Living

Healthy Skin Tip!!
Use cheaper Coconut oil as hand creme. Completely natural and non-allergenic and works like charm!!! Since cooking with coconut oil I have noticed that my skin and hair is softer and more luminous. Suggested by my mothers roofing contractor.

Urban Gardening

I am a huge supporter of growing your own foods. There is something so tasty about eating fresh produce that was grown by your own hand. I used to have a nice big garden, and grew everything. Peanuts, corn, tomatoes, beans, peas, pumpkins, potatoes, sweet and hot peppers, broccoli, spinach, kale, grapes, raspberries, and so much more as well as all my own herbs and spices.  It was so lovely to have all this food coming from my small backyard.  This past year I had to cut down my choices to Tomatoes, Cucumbers, Figs, Beans and a handful of herbs,  as sadly all I have now is a balcony.  But it was done!! So before you think that you don’t have room to grow anything, take a look at the following links for some great Urban Garden ideas that help grown optimum food within minimum space.

Use any available space:

A few pictures to give ideas. I have tried the shoe organizer idea to grow herbs. Make sure you puncture the pocket to allow good drainage though or the roots will rot.
Your Urban Space Saving Garden

Do you Rent? Check out this blog and think POTS! http://www.greenyourdecor.com/8699/ideas-growing-food-renter/

How about Recycling or Reusing old household items?

Vertical garden using recycled plastic soda bottles.

Recycle old pop bottles or milk jugs.

Re-purposing a vintage tackle box for a mini urban garden.

Old drawers used to conserve water and money!

Reuse old household items giving them new life outside the local dump.

Like Potatoes? This one is simple and can yield a years worth of tasty tatters.

Grow potatoes yourself

Or check out more…In a garbage bag: http://www.diynetwork.com/how-to/how-to-grow-potatoes-in-a-trash-bag/index.html
In a bucket: http://www.sproutingoff.com/planting-potatoes-in-buckets/

How about a Laundry Basket…Growing potatoes ina laundry basket

Everything now a days can be grown at home or in an Urban setting.  Check it all out!! See if your community is willing to start their own farmers markets where produce produced with in your apartment, condos, co-op or neighborhood can be traded and bartered for. Defiantly food for thought…

And now for a lunchtime giggle…


Until later tonight!!

Day 30

365 Days of My

I was going to talk about stress and stress management tricks for a parent. But, then this happened…


‘ Well in this in this house, They say… A geek mothers heart swelled three sizes this day.’

We have been gifted by the fates a Ps3 and Little Miss had been nagging at me all day to set it up. When I finally set it up and her Uncle P. was here. It was time to play, LEGO Marvel Super Heroes. Uncle P. was Ironman, and Little Miss chose her favourite, The Hulk. The game was on… She was a natural and listened as her Uncle P. and I gave her instructions.  My ‘Mommy Pride’ swelled and tears glistened in my eyes, as I watched her help defeat the boss at the end of the level.

Let me explain, I am a geek mom. I love to play video games, always have always will. Since becoming a single parent though, aside from Candy Crush Saga… there has been no gaming for me. By the time my daughter goes to bed and actually falls asleep; I do some clean up, write my 365, and then I am done in. Now though, my daughter and I can play a bit a few times a week. Selfish? Maybe or maybe it’s something better…

Level Complete: Achievement Unlocked
New Bonding Experience with Little Miss

I do believe that video games are alright for children, even young ones. It helps with hand-eye coordination, shape and pattern recognition, direction and works as a great team work (ie. co-operation, sharing)  experience.  There are plenty of age appropriate games on the market today, it is the parents choice as to what is appropriate for their own child.

For example: My daughter loves the LEGO movies, so I thought I would start there for video games. Yes, there is LEGO violence and little LEGO monsters get their ‘block butts kicked’. But she knows it is not good to hurt others physically in real life, she knows it hurts and it’s just not nice. So I really  don’t worry to much about that and concentrate on having fun.

365 Days of Truth, Confessions of a Mad Woman.

Depending on the day it can take me anywhere from 15 minutes to over an hour to choose an outfit to wear outside the house. Even if it is just to pick up my daughter from school. Even on a good day this adventure causes tears, frustration and body issues.

I have no mirrors that show my lower half in my home. Up until two years ago, the only mirror I had was one that showed my head and shoulders. It has been  only just in the past few months that I have been able to look at my tummy and not feel loathing. Since beginning to lose weight, I see change and not stagnation, much easier to cope with.

When I put on make up I usually end up washing it all off, because I feel I’ve put to much on. At least three times…   Most times ‘wearing makeup’ for me is  clear mascara, a dusting of skin tone or light gold eyeshadow and lip gloss. I also have waist length hair, which I always keep it tightly pulled back. My daughter wants me to dye it like Rainbow Dash from My Little Pony…. I accept the challenge. Mostly because it will shake up my perceptions of myself. It will draw attention and I need to accept that getting attention is actually okay.

It’s time to come out from the shadows and learn to live in the light.

365 Days of Healthy Living

Jacqueline’s Top Five Stress Relieving Tips

  1. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If something is overwhelming you, reach out and ask someone for help. This is great advice not only for emotional tasks, but physical ones as well.
  2. Make freezer meals for the bad days, because sometimes on bad days, even making dinner is a monumental feat.
  3. Turn up the music and do something physical. Personally, I clean or re-organize the furniture in my house. It occupies my thoughts and time. After less then an hour I find my stress has lessened and I feel in control again.
  4. Take at least 10 minutes each day to yourself. Focus, center, meditate, breathe, fold laundry, chat with a friend, hide in the bathroom… However you have to do it. Take 10 minutes for you.
  5. Try and remember it is not the end of the world…

If all else fails, make these…


Found at:  http://thepaleobelle.wordpress.com/paleo-recipes/

Now time for a healthy laugh before bed…

Until Tomorrow…

Days 1 Thru Day 26, Before Blog

365 Days of Truth, Confessions of a Mad Woman

Day 1. I am terrified of confrontation and speaking up for myself or in defense of my opinions. I find I get used and walked on because, I will not speak out when something bothers me. I really hate this about myself.
Day 2. I am not as shy as I let on…. I’m just to scared of how people will think of me. Which causes me stress and anxiety, which causes my quirks to kick into full effect, which causes me to not always make sense or act in a normal socially accepted way. So instead of allowing myself to get out there and meet folk. I clam up, hide and play shy.

Challenge to myself: Try and make 5 new friends not introduced to me by my inner core of people. *gulps*

Day 3. Let’s be light-hearted today. When attending the last ever Madstock in London, England. I was injured and managed to use my wilds and charm to get backstage. That day I met Madness.
Day 4. I am very outspoken and passionate… but I take things personally way to often. I am working on this.
Day 5. My daughter saved my life. If she wasn’t here, I don’t think I would be either.
Day 6. I envy larger women who are comfortable and accepting of their bodies. I hate my body on the best of days. I have battled eating disorders, starving myself for weeks, fad diets… have no mirrors that show my lower half at all.

I accept that I will never be able to accept ‘big is beautiful’ for myself. Instead I am now working to healthily shrink the skin I am in.

Telling big people to love or accept themselves for who they are… Does not help. If someone is unhappy in their body, they won’t be happy with it until they are able to change it.

Day 7. One reason, I don’t have my drivers license or give instructions is I don’t know my left from right… unless I make my thumbs and index fingers into L shapes.
Day 8. I wasn’t sure what to say for today’s secret, until D asked me one simple question. “Who was your favourite character when you were a kid?” I honestly had to think about it, and the answer is not one I liked. “I didn’t have one.”

As a child on the Autistic Spectrum, I did not play. I never played make believe. I never got attached to a favoured toy. Nothing. I was a dissector and musically stimulated.

Now though 34 years on I’m learning to play. It’s a challenge, but I have a great teacher.

Day 9. I am hypersensitive to touch. I wear baggy clothing, because tighter clothing is painful as it rubs my skin. I limit my touch contact to close friends only as they will understand if I cringe or pull away quickly.

I am not afraid of needles as most think. Getting a needle is hell. For blood work not only is the needle going in a tummy turning sensation, I can then feel it pulsing in the vein. It’s not a sensation easily described.

On flare up days though, there is only one person I save my ‘spoons’ for and that is D.

Day 10. After my father had passed suddenly, my mother planned a trip to Toronto for my brother, myself and her. Go have some fun and try and make happy moments at a sad time. We were set to go, but the morning of I started to beg my mother that we just stay at home instead. Telling her I had had a dream that she was going to be hurt and my brother and I would be left alone. Now like most people would, my mother took this to be the fears of a five year old who just lost a parent… We were hit by another car on the drive. My mother was put into an ambulance hurt. Leaving my brother and I standing alone (with the police) in a store parking lot.

This was the first ‘dream’ I remember. They never stopped.

Day 11. I am are perfectionist. Due to this I have left a long string of unfinished projects behind me.

This is why Little Trees has been so helpful and exciting an experience for me.

I’m not perfect or a superhero. I am what I believe I can be, with no other unreasonable expectations.

Day 12. When I explode, I do it with no graces, manners or maturity. Although if you give me a few days to allow calmer heads to prevail. I will usually apologize for my behaviour and have a good discussion about what the root problems are.

If however you continue to show the behaviours that angered me in the first place… then all bets are off. I will end friendships, even if I would have tried to salvage them previously.

Day 13: I have an severe phobia of Moths.
Day 14. Some days secrets should stay just that. Secret. Especially when you’re in a not so great mood to start with.
Day 15. One of my most prized ‘Things’ from all my years, is a note on a scrap of paper. (I am a recovering packrat)

I was in a cafe in Toronto, sitting in the hidden smoking section having way to much coffee while reconnecting with an old friend. When Jackie Burroughs came in and sat at the table next to us. I am a HUGE L.M. Montgomery fan, and here was Aunt Hetty sitting next to me!! It took me an hour to build up the courage to ask for an autograph. She apologized, but she didn’t give out autographs.

Gutted… totally gutted, but I smiled and said thank you for letting me interrupt. Then she asked my name, I responded it was the same as hers, Jackie. She laughed and asked me if I liked it, I said “not really and you?”
She shook her head and said no too. There I was over the moon to be laughing and joking with an icon of Canadian theater/television/movies for ten minutes!! At this point I didn’t care about the autograph anymore. As I was saying goodbye and thank you for letting a fan girl interrupt her coffee, she pulled out a pen and paper and wrote me a note and signed it. She handed it to me with a smile and said good bye.

As I got back to my table, I unfolded the note. I read my personal message and looked at the signature.. I made her smile and we shared the same name that is why she signed the note for me. It’s framed, a valued treasure indeed.

Day 16: When it comes to men I am a loser. Seriously… I was single for almost a decade before I married. I think maybe that is why I settled for the first guy who actually wanted to be with ME, not just my breasts. (Please refer back to loser in love)

The only encounters I did have were basically ‘Lonely sex’ or for most of the guys ‘ You’re not my type but I have needs so you will do’. There were even a few that I really wished it was different, as my feelings were a bit stronger then their needs.

This is why I have come to a conclusion that I am probably destined to be lonely and single the rest of my life. You know what though… I am okay with that. I would rather be lonely then have D learn that having partners who just treat you as a walking breasts and vagina are okay to be with.

It’s all about being strong enough to love yourself, and know that no one else has to love you to be happy.

Day 17: Honestly I feel horrible. Pretty sure it’s the flu? Either way I am to cotton headed to be deep and insightful. So something light… I collect cookbooks. I currently have around 100 cookbooks spanning globally from the 1800’s to present day.
Day 18 (late): When I was younger I wanted to become a marine biologist and run off to join Greenpeace.

My dream was stopped dead in it’s tracks by school standard testing. I was told I would never have the math grades required. To just give up and do something I’d be able to do.

So disheartened I did just that. I put away all my books on marine life and Greenpeace and gave up. Thinking, no convinced I was not good enough.

Encourage do not discourage a persons dreams. You never know when you might make the next genius feel useless about themselves and they just give up.

Day 19. Sometimes, not all the time though. I let D have ice cream for breakfast, and feel no guilt about it. Because usually there are giggles and wiggles, as memories are made.
Day 20. `Bullying’. Yup tonight is going to be a deep one, with a happy ending I promise.

Grade Two: We had a substitute teacher, she was the mother of a fellow student. I needed to pee. I had raised my hand, been scolded when I dared say ‘Excuse me’ to get her attentions. You see she was helping her daughter with a difficult problem. Well at the point of almost no return I got up and started for the door. It was that or have an accident. She yelled at me to get back into my seat, and that I was being disruptive. No matter how much I tried to plead with her… I was ignored. Forced to return to my seat, where yes, I wet myself. The teacher then purposefully shamed me and humiliated me, while my class mates laughed. I was told to clean up my mess, and not allowed to go clean myself up or call my mother to get me. I was made to sit in my pee soaked dress all day, and all the way home on the school bus.

Grade 4-8: I was awkward, I was in the LDU, I had already tried to kill myself and been hospitalized, I was shy, I didn’t wear Roots, I hated gym, I had armpit hair. Those are some reasons… I had two friends S. and B. When new kids would come, they were warned I was a weirdo and to not be my friend. But… At the end of grade 8 something pretty cool happened. A boy by the name of R.R-T Anyways he was sent to the LDU to help him with I think it was math. One day he mentioned to another student that his father had a boat at the Britannia Yacht Club. I shyly mentioned that is where my family had had our boat. He asked where it was then, I told him my father had died in an accident at the club and we didn’t have the boat anymore. Suddenly by their reactions I had grown a third eye and was a weirdo to be ignored again. The next day… He came up to me and said he was sorry. I told him honestly I was confused, sorry for what? He told me he asked his dad about what I had said. His dad told him about that day, he was there. He told Randy we had been there too, just before it happened. He promised not to call me strange again and began to say hi everyday. Slowly more and more kids I had been in school with for 4-5 years with were saying hi. The bullying never really stopped, but for a while I had friends and felt included.

I could continue, but I think you get the point. I was bullied from grade one all the way through into my 30’s. For a long time I was effected by their words and actions against me. BUT… It dawned on me about a month ago, that I was still allowing peoples actions towards me to control me 30 years on. They were no longer my bullies… I was now bullying and shaming myself. I was holding onto these memories, no one else was forcing them on me. It was time to let them go, to be free of the memories of embarrassment, tears, fears, hurt and humiliation.

Now I dance in the streets with D singing at the top of our lungs. I don’t care if my clothes aren’t fashionable, I like them. I am not comfortable in my skin, but I am happy with what I am doing to change it. Basically, I don’t care what others think because I AM HAPPY WITH WHO I AM. That is all that matters.

*Warning this episode contains scenes with Unverified Personal Gnosis. Read at your own risk, but understand these are MY thoughts and feelings before you poop on them. I am not asking anyone to share my thinking or think it’s even more than horse manure. I am asking you to have an open mind to my spirituality*

Day 21: Okay… *Deep Breath In*… *Exhale and Type*
I have a foggy memory of being small, it is night time and there is a huge thunder storm. I remember being so scared, but my father was there. He was telling me stories of a God of Thunder who was bowling with his hammer. Each time the thunder rumbled he was throwing it, and when the lightening crashed it’s because he hit the pins making them crash to the ground. It made me giggle and I was no longer afraid, of the storms because I knew it was just the Gods having fun.

As the years went on the story faded to a brief memory. I had found a new God and his son, and forgot about the old ones. I tried hard to understand about the scriptures and the commandments. It just never felt right… and then at a very dark time in my life, I felt ultimately betrayed by God. How could he allow what happened to so many of us in ‘that place’? How could he allow those people to do these things in ‘Gods Name’? At 16, I turned my back on God and Jesus. The wounds still hurt, and the secrets from there are still to painful to share for myself and many on my Facebook friends list. (Quick Note: Please understand these are MY feelings and that you do not have all the information. I am sorry about that. Until the court case has settled though it is better to just stay quiet)

For a while I believed in nothing, then I returned to the old Gods. I began by learning about the ‘Celtic’ Gods for a few years, it felt better but still not right. It was at a festival, 17 years ago. I camped on top of a large rock outcropping, to my left was the way to Men’s Ritual site and to the right was the way to the river. It was a night of storming, and there was water coming into my tent. I donned my tarp and headed out to try and stop the drips. As I stepped out lightening began to flash all around, striking the river and the ritual site. I have to admit I was panicking at this point, but then I had my ‘Spiritual re-awakening’ moment. The next flash of lightening, I saw a man with a hammer on top of the rock outcropping, and suddenly the memory of my fathers voice and story came back… and like a nutter I began to laugh and felt safe.

I remained in the shadows in our community, for many reasons. Occasionally asking very cryptic questions of Asatru friends. I collected whatever books I could. As the dawning of the ‘Time of Internet Knowledge’ came, I sifted through piles of articles, papers and personal opinions. I did this for 15 years. Then I went to a brand new festival with a friend R. Who would turn out to be my guide out of my seclusion. It was the second night, it had rained all day but had cleared up around dinner time. I was sitting at the table reading as D had passed out cold, when R. walked up to our site. She handed me a necklace, on it hung a Mjolnir and said ” I bought this for me, but I think you need to put it on instead.” I took it, I stared at it for a while, and then put it on. Suddenly, thunder and lightening began to sound all around us again for a good minute and a half. Again, I laughed and said “Alright, I get the point”. Since that day I have rarely gone with out proudly wearing my Mjolnir.

I am a proud Heathen and I do believe in things you can not see or explain. I do believe in personal spiritual moments and experiences. I also believe in a healthy dose of research and verified proof, but sometimes books and things in the ground are not enough explanation and you just have to go with your gut. I no longer feel the need to hide this or feel shame about it. This is who I am, and I am happy.

(For some reason this one is causing me more fear to post then most)
*Deep Breath in*… *Post and Exhale*

Day 22: For a picky textural eater I have tried or eaten many ‘exotic’ to western palate foods. Some of my favorite foods, are foods that would usually turn a tummy or two at the thought.

Some foods tried or eaten unknowingly, never again!
Rat, dog, cat, spider, cows brain, pigs testicle with penis attached, I think it was goat testicles, maybe sheep? Sucking the brains out of raw shrimp, fish eyeballs, various insects. So many but the one I just could never do was the Thousand Year Old Egg. I had to draw the line somewhere. I mean I tried prahoak… Once. I only had so many lives left.

Some of my favorite odd foods,
A good strong Stilton, my uncles blood pudding, BBQ cows heart, Kitfo, Sashimi (Only way I will eat fish is raw). Bring on any white rind cheese, the creamier the better. Who am I kidding… just give me cheese! Sugar ants. I think that is what they were. I was visiting a home of a friend and his family served the meal. There were these rather large ants in my dish, i was sure they had just gotten in some how and was trying to remove them. The other westerner with me leaned over and asked if I had ants in my soup. i nodded… It was then we realized we were eating ant soup. So being good sports we tried, and we liked it. They crunch but only for a moment like a bean, then there is a delicious woody sweet taste. We actually asked for seconds. Lastly to throw in a fruit durian.

I am willing to try things but prefer to stay with in my comfort zones. Although with my pension for wanderlust, I do like tasting the local treats and delicacies.

Day 23: When I was little I was carefree and wild. When I was a bit older I began to have interests. I loved dinosaurs. What kid doesn’t? I wanted to be a paleontologist. Then when I was older, I loved whales and sharks and Jacque-Yves Cousteau. I wanted to be a Marine Biologist. Then when I was older still I was given a book by M.C. Escher. I wanted to be an artist. Then I was given a camera. I used to walk just aimlessly along the Ottawa River taking roll after roll of driftwood, washed up shoes, geese, ducks. I wanted to be a photographer.

Well I can proudly say, that although I never got to be everything I wanted to be. I have been a successful photographer. I am an artist. I was a teacher. I am currently also working on being an author. I’m a mother. Now though a spark that was lit a year ago has burned into an inferno of I want to do this… I want to get a university degree. There are many reasons behind my decision.

As I said, a year ago I was talking to a friend about books on Viking and Norse traditions. Offhandedly they happened to mention a Masters Degree in Iceland that got my heart racing. So I began to think, and re-think, and over-think… and then think everything through again. So once I have all the documents and papers filled out, I am applying at Ottawa University in their Medieval and Renaissance Studies program. The future is looking a lot brighter now. I enjoy finally feeling like I have a sense of direction. I haven’t felt this way in a long long time.

Day 24: I was just freshly 17, it was New Years eve, and we had gone to Hull to celebrate. DJ Leslie was blasting out some great music of the times, Skinny Puppy, Front 242, O Fortuna… It was a good night.

I kept bumping into this pretty cute guy, in the line at the bar, line to the washrooms, watching our friends coats as they were on the dance floor. He had been wearing a Dead Kennedy’s shirt, one of my favourite bands. So we had started talking about the punk and industrial music scenes, then about ourselves. He was from Poland, only here to visit family, loved punk more then the industrial, and was also in the bar illegally. Well as Midnight moved closer, we could no longer hear what each other was saying, so he went to find his family and I went to join my friends on the dance floor.

Just as Midnight was about to strike, I went over to get I think my cigarettes from my purse. Then the countdown started, 5… I got a crazy idea. 4… I downed the last of my beer for courage. 3… Breath check. 2… Nerves, backing out. 1… No time like the present. At 12am, I kissed this boy whose name I didn’t even know… at 12:03am he finished kissing me. It was one of the most passionate kisses I have ever experienced, I was weak in the knees. We both just looked at each other for a moment. Smiled and went our separate ways. We never even knew each others names. We didn’t see each other again, I assume he went back to Poland and settled… But to me he will always be the boy I shared a passionate moment with on my 17th birthday.

(Note I have never had the testicles to do that again.)

Day 25 late: I have suffered from depression for 30+ years. I have talked to all manner of professionals, I have been hospitalized, if there is a ‘new treatment’ I’ve tried or looked into it and I have been medicated for most of it. Not now as I made the decision to be able to live my life and not just zombie through it.

You know what really upsets me though. People who presume to know my moods or what I am thinking. People who presume that they know all about depression and need to hand out advice or critic how you lead your life. You know what… right now there is only one person allowed to do that… my Mother. Because she has had to go through this horrible crap with me too.

Depression varies in forms and intensity. Unsolicited advice does not help. So before you give it… make sure it is wanted.

Day 26: It’s a silly one. Even after all these years. I still cry when I read Flint Fireforge’s death scene in the 3rd book of the Dragonlance Chronicles.